How to Talk to Your Therapist When Something Isn't Working
Practical guidance on how to give your therapist honest feedback when therapy feels stuck — including what to say, how good therapists respond, and when it is time to switch.
The Conversation Most People Avoid
You are sitting in your therapist's office — or on your couch with the laptop open — and something feels off. Maybe it has felt off for a few weeks now. Sessions feel flat. You leave without feeling like anything happened. You are not sure the approach is working, or you feel like your therapist does not quite get you.
And yet the thought of actually saying that out loud feels almost impossible.
This is one of the most common experiences in therapy, and one of the least talked about. Most people would rather quietly stop showing up than tell their therapist something is not working. The reasons make sense: you do not want to hurt their feelings, you worry they will get defensive, you are not even sure how to put it into words, or maybe you wonder if the problem is you.
Here is what you need to know: bringing this up is not rude. It is not a sign that you are a difficult client. It is actually one of the most productive things you can do in therapy — and good therapists know it.
Why This Conversation Matters
Psychotherapy researchers have a term for talking about the therapy itself during therapy: metacommunication. And the evidence on it is clear. When clients and therapists openly discuss what is and is not working in their sessions, outcomes improve.
This connects to something called the alliance rupture-repair cycle. A "rupture" is any moment where the therapeutic relationship hits a rough patch — a misunderstanding, a feeling of disconnection, a sense that the therapist missed something important. These ruptures are normal and inevitable. What matters is what happens next.
When a rupture gets addressed directly and repaired, the therapeutic relationship does not just return to where it was. It actually becomes stronger than before. Research by psychotherapy scholars like Jeremy Safran and Christopher Muran has shown that successfully navigated rupture-repair cycles are associated with better therapy outcomes overall. The relationship deepens because both people demonstrated that honesty is safe and that conflict can be worked through.
In other words, the awkward conversation you are avoiding might be exactly the thing that makes your therapy work better.
Signs It Is Time to Speak Up
Not every difficult session means something is wrong. Therapy is supposed to be challenging sometimes. But there are patterns that signal it is worth raising the issue.
Sessions feel repetitive. You find yourself having the same conversation week after week. The same topic comes up, the same points get made, and nothing seems to shift. It feels like you are stuck in a loop rather than moving forward.
You dread going. There is a difference between the normal reluctance that comes with doing hard emotional work and a genuine sense of dread. If you are looking for reasons to cancel every week, or you feel relief when a session gets rescheduled, pay attention to that.
You are not making progress. You came to therapy with specific concerns, and after a reasonable amount of time — usually at least eight to twelve sessions — those concerns have not improved. If you are wondering whether therapy is working, that question itself is worth exploring out loud.
You hold back important things. You find yourself editing what you share. You avoid certain topics because you are not sure how your therapist will respond, or because you do not feel fully understood. Therapy cannot help with problems it does not know about.
You feel misunderstood. Your therapist's reflections do not land. Their interpretations feel off. You leave sessions feeling like they are working with a version of you that does not quite match the real one. This mismatch can stem from differences in cultural background, identity, life experience, or simply communication style — and it is worth naming.
What to Say: Specific Scripts You Can Use
Knowing that you should speak up is one thing. Knowing what to actually say is another. Here are specific phrases you can adapt and use. You do not need to memorize them — just getting the general idea across is enough.
When sessions feel stuck: "I have been feeling like we are going in circles on [topic]. Can we try a different approach?"
This is direct without being accusatory. It names the pattern and invites collaboration on a solution.
When you have been holding back: "I want to be honest — I have been holding back in sessions because I am not sure you understand [aspect of my experience]."
This takes courage, but it gives your therapist specific information about what needs to change. It also opens the door for them to ask questions and learn more about your experience.
When the approach does not feel right: "I do not think the approach we are using is clicking for me. Can we talk about other options?"
This is especially relevant if you have been doing one type of therapy for a while without results. There are many evidence-based approaches, and what works for one person does not work for everyone.
When you are dreading sessions: "I notice I have been dreading sessions lately, and I think it might be because [reason]."
Even if you are not entirely sure of the reason, naming the dread itself is a powerful starting point. Your therapist can help you explore what is behind it.
When progress has stalled: "I am not sure I am making the progress I was hoping for. Can we revisit my goals?"
This reframes the conversation around shared goals rather than blame. It invites your therapist to assess progress with you and recalibrate the treatment plan if needed.
When something specific bothered you: "Something you said last session stayed with me, and I want to talk about it. When you said [specific thing], it felt [how it felt]."
Therapists are human. They occasionally say things that miss the mark. Bringing it up directly gives them the chance to understand the impact and course-correct.
How a Good Therapist Responds
One of the best ways to evaluate your therapist is by watching how they handle honest feedback. A well-trained, emotionally mature therapist will respond in ways that make you feel heard rather than judged.
They thank you. Many therapists will genuinely express appreciation when a client raises a concern. They know how hard it is to do, and they recognize it as an act of trust.
They get curious, not defensive. Instead of explaining why they did what they did, a good therapist asks questions. They want to understand your experience. "Can you tell me more about that?" or "When did you first start feeling that way?" are signs of a therapist who is listening.
They adjust their approach. Feedback should lead to change. If you say the current approach is not working, a good therapist will explore alternatives with you — a different modality, a shift in focus, a change in session structure. They do not keep doing the same thing and hope for different results.
They collaborate on next steps. Rather than making a unilateral decision, a good therapist works with you to figure out what to try next. Therapy is a partnership, and this conversation is one of the moments where that partnership matters most.
They do not take it personally. This might be the most important one. A good therapist can separate their ego from the work. Your feedback is about your experience of the therapy, not an attack on them as a person. They understand that.
Red Flags in Their Response
Not every therapist handles feedback well. If you bring up a concern and encounter any of the following responses, take it seriously. These are signs that the therapeutic relationship may not be safe enough to do meaningful work.
They become defensive. If your therapist responds to your feedback by justifying their approach, arguing with your perception, or getting visibly irritated, that is a problem. Defensiveness shuts down the very conversation that needs to happen.
They dismiss your concern. Responses like "that is just resistance" or "you need to trust the process" without any genuine engagement with what you are saying signal that your experience is not being taken seriously.
They turn it into your pathology. This is a particularly harmful response. If your therapist frames your honest feedback as a symptom — "you are doing the same thing you do in all your relationships" — they are using the therapeutic framework to avoid accountability. Your feedback about therapy is not a diagnosis.
They guilt you. Any response that makes you feel bad for speaking up — "after everything we have worked on" or "I have been putting a lot of effort into your treatment" — is inappropriate. You should never feel guilty for advocating for your own care.
They refuse to change. If you raise a specific concern and your therapist acknowledges it but then continues doing exactly the same thing in subsequent sessions, the words mean nothing. Change should follow feedback.
If you are noticing these patterns, they may point to deeper issues with the therapeutic relationship. Our guide to therapist red flags and green flags can help you evaluate whether what you are experiencing is a fixable issue or a sign to move on.
When Feedback Is Not Enough
Sometimes you do the brave thing. You bring up your concerns. Your therapist responds reasonably. You try a new approach together. And it still does not work.
That does not mean you failed or that the conversation was pointless. It means the fit is genuinely not right — and that is okay. Not every therapist is the right therapist for every person. Differences in personality, communication style, clinical approach, cultural background, and life experience all affect whether a particular pairing works.
If you have given honest feedback, allowed time for adjustment, and still feel stuck, it may be time to switch therapists. This is not starting over. The self-knowledge you gained, the patterns you identified, and the practice you got in speaking up — all of that comes with you to the next therapist.
Some questions to help you decide whether to stay or go:
- Have I clearly communicated what is not working?
- Has my therapist made a genuine effort to adjust?
- Do I feel emotionally safe in this relationship, even when things are hard?
- Has there been any meaningful change since I raised my concerns?
If the answers are mostly no, finding a new therapist is not giving up. It is continuing to advocate for the care you deserve.
Frequently Asked Questions
This fear is completely understandable, especially if you grew up in an environment where expressing dissatisfaction led to conflict. A well-trained therapist will not respond with anger or guilt. If they do, that reaction itself is important information about whether this is the right therapeutic relationship for you. You might start with something small — 'I want to share something that feels a little uncomfortable' — and see how they respond before going deeper.
There is no fixed number, but most therapists and researchers suggest giving therapy at least four to six sessions before evaluating fit. That said, if something feels clearly wrong — you feel judged, unsafe, or dismissed — you do not need to wait. Trust your instincts. And if things felt fine initially but have stalled after several months, that is also a reasonable time to raise concerns.
Absolutely. Many people find it easier to organize their thoughts in writing beforehand. You can read directly from your notes, hand them to your therapist, or simply use them as a reference. There is no wrong way to communicate your concerns as long as you are being honest.
If you have raised concerns, your therapist acknowledged them, and nothing shifted in the following sessions, that tells you something important. At that point, it is reasonable to consider switching therapists. You gave the relationship a genuine chance, and sometimes the right move is to find someone who is a better fit. Our guide on switching therapists covers how to make that transition smoothly.
Yes, and a good therapist will take that request seriously. If you have been doing talk therapy and want to try something more structured like CBT or DBT, or if you are interested in EMDR or somatic approaches, bring it up. Your therapist may be trained in multiple modalities and able to shift, or they may help you find a specialist who is a better match for what you are looking for.
The Bottom Line
Telling your therapist that something is not working is one of the hardest and most valuable things you can do in therapy. It is an act of self-advocacy, and it models the kind of honest communication that therapy is ultimately trying to help you build.
The conversation might improve your current therapy. It might confirm that it is time to move on. Either way, you will have more information than you did before — and you will have practiced something that matters in every relationship, not just the therapeutic one.
If you are wondering what to do when therapy does not seem to be helping, or you want to think through the right questions to ask a therapist before your next session, those resources can help you take the next step.
You deserve a therapy experience that feels like it is actually going somewhere. Speaking up is how you get there.
Not sure if your therapy is on track?
Honest conversations with your therapist can transform your progress. If you are looking for a therapist who welcomes feedback and collaborates on your care, we can help.
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